Letter to an Ex Volume 2

God, I miss you so much. I know we probably wouldn’t be hanging out right now but I miss texting you and hearing about your day and you asking me about mine. I know this weekend is going to be so hard. That’s when we’d spend most of our time together. I don’t know what I’ll do. I know I have friends I can hang out with and family I can also hang out with, but you were always my favorite person to spend time with.
I need to delete all of our previous texts, I know I do. I keep looking through them because I guess I like to torture myself. I miss you so fucking much and I know I can’t tell you that because it just makes things worse but I want to tell you that. I want you to know how much I miss you. That’s the one thing that keeps coming up. I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish I was with you. I wish I could see you and hear you and smell you and feel you. But I can’t and I know if that happens anytime soon I won’t want to let go. I want to hear your voice so badly. I want you to text me and call me “dear.” I just want you near me again.
I think I know why this hits me harder in the evenings. That’s when we used to talk. Cause you’d either be at work or in class during the day and we’d catch up around this time. So this hurts even more right now. It’s been the same thing for the past few days. It hurts the most in the evenings. I don’t think I’ll make it through the weekend.
I really am trying. I know I shouldn’t have called you but I just really needed to hear your voice. I wish your way of dealing with this wasn’t so hurtful. It sort of makes sense, though. I guess I just never really got closure so I still want to talk about things and I guess it’s harder for me to just stop thinking about you or wanting to talk to you. Deleting your number would probably help, I never did get around to memorizing it. I did drink last night, which is probably why I called you. I don’t think I would have if I hadn’t had a few drinks in me. Alfredo knew I was upset so he gave us free shots and we toasted “to time healing all wounds.” Time’s taking longer than I hoped it would.
Advertisements

Letter to an Ex Volume 1

I deleted all the pictures and videos of you from my phone today. There were so many. I guess it’s good that I listened to you and stopped snapping you so much a while ago otherwise there’d be so much more to delete. I had even taken screen shots of texts that I found particularly sweet, most of those were from the first half of our relationship, and reading them kind of just made me even more sad. We really had it good for a bit. I was so in love with you, I mean, I still am but it was so fresh then. I remember how that felt. I saw myself marrying you at one point, I know what I’ve said about marriage in the past but it was something I would’ve done with you. Shit, for a while there I even thought that if you ever wanted to have kids I’d definitely do that with you, too. It probably sucks to read these things. I’m sure if I had talked to you more this wouldn’t have happened. I blame myself for how things turned out. A lot of people tell me I shouldn’t. It’s hard not to, though. I’m sure there was something I could’ve done differently to make things work or there was something I could’ve done to save both of us from this pain. I guess it’s too late now. We are where we are and we just have to deal with it.
I feel so dumb for asking you to reconsider and to take me back. I’m so pathetic. Part of me feels like no one will ever love me again and that I’ll just end up alone after this. It took me so long to find you and I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone I could love as much as I love you. Of course, so many people will tell me that I will and that there’s someone better for me out there but it’s really hard to believe that. I didn’t even believe when people would tell me that before I met you. I never really thought soulmates were a thing. You convinced me that they are. This is going to sound so lame but maybe we just met each other at the wrong time or things went too fast in the beginning. I don’t know. I’ve been overanalyzing our relationship for the past three days and I still don’t know what could’ve prevented all of this.
I can’t find your green running shorts. I remember wearing them to walk Oswin a while back but they’re not in my laundry or in the main house. I’ll find them, though. If I don’t find them I know that I’ll find them eventually and when I do it’ll all hit me like a ton of bricks and I’ll be back at square one all over again. I really don’t want that.
I’m watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall to distract myself until I hang out with Hailey. We’re gonna go to the bar but I probably won’t drink. My drinking ruined a lot of things for us, I’m committed to not let it ruin anything else in my life. I forgot about the part in this movie that you like to quote…

I think this is mostly a place to vent

I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I got an email from Shakey’s telling me that I’m not what they’re looking for. I can’t even get a job at Shakey’s. It wasn’t exactly my dream job but still. I’m in a weird limbo at the moment; I’m under-qualified for a lot of jobs I would actually enjoy and over-qualified for others. I don’t get it and I don’t like it. I just need a job so that I can move out of my parent’s house and start living like an adult but at this rate I’ll be here until I’m thirty. Grad school seems to be the only alternative but that costs money and that is something I do not have. It’s getting harder to get out of bed.

An Introduction

Image

 

I suppose an introduction is in order. My name is Laura Luz. I not-so-recently graduated from UCLA and I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life. I am a mess. I graduated with a degree in English (concentration in world literature) and I minored in German (my German is rusty but I can bust it out when necessary). I like to write and am considering going back to school to study journalism or maybe I’ll go to grad school for English I don’t know I’m just thinking of things to do since I haven’t found a job yet. I have a strong suspicion that I am depressed but I lack the courage to go to a doctor to find out. Like many other recent college graduates I somehow managed to graduate with a slew of emotional and mental problems in addition to a B.A. (or a B.S.). Ah well. We’ll see how things go. Questions? Comments? feel free to leave them. nice to meet you all.

5. March 2014: Post-Grad Blues

I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life. I graduated from college nine months ago (dear god, has it really been that long?) and I have yet to find a job. It’s hard to motivate yourself when you know that the odds of finding a job are very slim. It’s weird because there are so many job postings all over the internet (indeed, craigslist, monster, etc, etc) but it’s still difficult to “find a job.” I don’t know what I’m doing with my life at this point. The fall after graduating from college (fall 2013) I decided to take a few classes at my local community college (I moved back in with my parents after the summer because I still had no job and no money). I signed up for a photography class and a journalism class. I loved my photography class but boy was that expensive. I felt, and continue to feel bad, about using my parent’s money because they had to deal with me for 18 years and here I am again eating their food, using their water & electricity, and spending their money (not excessively I just mean in terms of things they have to pay for now that I’m back home). It just sucks being a kid of my generation because I knew that this was what would be waiting for me after college. The struggle to find a job and the struggle to figure out what to do with my life. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I took those two classes and enjoyed them very much. I decided to take some spring courses but found myself having a complete breakdown on the second day of school. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t control my breathing. I felt so horrible. I had spent four years earning a degree for what? To end up back where I started. I can’t help but think that I was, still am I guess, moving backwards. That day I dropped my classes and committed myself to finding a job. As of yet that hasn’t panned out either. I don’t know why I thought things would change this time around but I did. Nothing happened. Sure I got called in for interviews but the people I spoke with were, apparently, unimpressed by my experience. What do people want? How do I get hired? A 4 year degree from an accredited college does not seem to cut it nowadays. I often wonder what my life would have become had I chosen a different college or no college at all. Here’s a secret: I didn’t really want to go to college at all. When I was a teenager I never thought “when I’m in college life will be different” or “when I get to college things will be better.” College was not a thing that I thought was meant for me but it was a thing that my parents wanted for me. That’s probably the only reason I did go to college. It was for them but that’s when I thought the world of them, or at least one of them. Now I find it all to have been a waste. I’m a disillusioned 20-something year old and I want to fix that. So today is a new day (it’s technically night and in less than 30 minutes it will be a new-new day but bear with me). This will be a new blog. A blog about the things I love, the things I discover, the things I hate, the things that make me want to be a better person, the people who make me want to be a better person, and the things that I think need to be said. My journalism professor told me that writing consistently will help you develop as a writer and he’s right. If I want to go back to school and really work hard on my writing I need to be able to do that outside of school. I need to work on my writing any way I can and in any form that I can. So here we are. I started this blog years ago and now I will put it to good use. I borrowed the title from a novel I love but the words I write here will all be my own. There will be no room for anything else. Honesty. That’s what I’m giving you. The honest opinions and thoughts of a disillusioned college graduate. 

Let’s see what happens.

Concert Review – Bamboozle Day 1 – March 27, 2010

last edited by iwascuredalright on 04/09/2010 at 21:04

I’m back with another concert review. After going to Hoodwink on Friday I went to the first day of Bamboozle Left. Bamboozle has been going on for a few years and a lot of bands perform at both days of this weekend long event. The Bamboozle started in New Jersey and the Bamboozle Left was created for the West Coast. In the past headliners have included Paramore, Jimmy Eat World, Brand New, and Dashboard Confessional.

Enough background though, on March 27, 2010 I arrived at about 2pm. The first band I saw was Chiodos. If you’re a fan of Chiodos then you know that Craig Owens, the lead singer, is no longer in the band. I wasn’t sure if the new lead singer would do the songs justice. To my surprise Brandon Bolmer did very well. They played some new material which the crowd seemed to enjoy and they played some old Chiodos hits. They played “Baby You Wouldn’t Last a Minute on the Creek” and “A Letter From Janelle” Overall I think the band did really well and the crowd seemed to like what they were doing. More than anything I was a Craig Owens fan but I’m very interested in what Chiodos is coming out with in the future.

After Chiodos, The Bouncing Souls started their set. Before seeing them live I hardly knew anything about this band. I’ve read the name in a few places but I never actually listened to the music. The best way I can explain how they sound is something like Reel Big Fish but without trumpets and all of those brass instruments. The lead singer was jumping around and to me he seemed like such a normal guy that could have easily just been one of my high school’s biology teachers. The crowd was singing along and jumping around along with him. After seeing them live I will probably look up their music because they played a great show.

After The Bouncing Souls finished I was really excited because Circa Survive was playing next. I saw them at Hoodwink and I’ve seen Anthony Green play his solo shows but I had never seen Circa Survive play their own music. I was excited because Anthony Green has such a great presence on stage. He jumps around stage and dances while he manages to keep singing. Circa started playing and the crowd got rowdy really fast. Despite being stuck in the huge crowd with sweaty people all around me, it was a great show. They played their newest single “Get Out”, “Stop the F***ing Car”, “In Fear and Faith” and they played a cover of Nirvana’s “Scentless Apprentice” among other songs. Anthony Green really knows how to command a crowd and his voice is just heavenly. If you’ve never seen Circa Survive live you should! They’re playing with Coheed and Cambria on their recent tour.

Up next was another band I was dying to see. After seeing them the night before playing Misfits songs I was excited to hear them play their own music. I’ve seen this band live five times and each time I’ve been blown away. This show was no exception. Max Bemis has such great energy on stage as do all the members of the band. The crowd was really into what they were playing and we all sang along with Max. Say Anything never disappoints when they play a show. They played “Mara and Me”, “I Hate Everyone”, “Woe”, and other songs. To end their set they played “Alive With the Glory of Love” which is always a crowd favorite. We all went crazy and sang along with Max. You can catch Say Anything on tour where they’ll be opening for Angels and Airwaves. They’re playing at the Hollywood Palladium on May 29th so be sure to get your tickets for that.

After Say Anything, Angels and Airwaves took the stage. I’ve never been a big fan of Angels and Airwaves but I did like their first album. The crowd was really excited to see them. People began to push towards the front of the crowd but I was fine with it because it wasn’t as bad as it was during Circa Survive’s set. They played a few songs from their first album and some songs from their newest one. The set included “Everything’s Magic”, “The Adventure”, “It Hurts”, and “Hallucinations.” As I said before, you can go see them at the Hollywood Palladium on May 29th.

The main act for day one of Bamboozle Left was AFI. After years of waiting to be able to see AFI live I was finally able to. After that show Davey Havok quickly became one of my favorite lead singers. His energy is simply amazing and his hair is epic. They played “Silver and Cold” “Miss Murder” “Medicate” “The Missing Frame” “The Leaving Song Part 2” “Kill Caustic” “Girls Not Grey” and many other songs. Everyone wanted a chance to see Davey, Jade, Hunter, and Adam. AFI managed to make that day even more amazing than it already was.

In the end, despite not having a lot of bands on the bill, Bamboozle Left Day 1 was great. There were plenty of great bands playing and I can’t wait until next year when they’ll hopefully have bands just as amazing as these. After being pushed around in the crowd of hundreds of people I was very sore but it was all worth it.

Coachella 2010

Last edited by iwascuredalright on 04/12/2010 at 21:03

Coachella is only a few days away and I couldn’t be more excited for this. This will be my first year at Coachella and what better year to go than this one. I was short on funds when tickets went on sale but lucky for me the Work Exchange Team needed a lot of help so I’ll be enjoying the sights and sounds of Coachella for free! Well, not completely free because as a part of the WET program you have to work a total of 18 hours during the festival but I’m not complaining because that saved me money and I can still enjoy Coachella in a totally different way than other concert goers. Enough about that though, I thought I’d talk about some bands/artists that are playing this year’s Coachella Festival in Indio, California. Each year over a hundred bands and artists make their way to the hot desert to perform for hundreds of kids, teenagers, and adults from all over the world. This year features bands like Vampire Weekend, Pheonix, Them Crooked Vultures, Muse, MGMT, Steel Train, Tokyo Police Club, Ra Ra Riot, and more. I took some time and chose a few bands that I think you should listen to.

First and foremost is Kevin Devine. If you like Brand New or Manchester Orchestra you may be aware of this talented man. He will be playing on night 3 of Coachella this year. He has quickly become one of my favorite artists of the year and he continues to amaze me.